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If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
Please do not read this.
Just think about all the stuff you aren`t thinking about.
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
I liked your facebook update, only so I can unlike it.
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues. ... and dates.
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?