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Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
So, I hear Colorado`s population has increased 420%.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight like hell when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
Learned today that it`s about 12 min after realizing there`s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are.
i just caught a disease so rare that even i dont have it .
My therapist says I should quit talking to myself.
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.