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My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinkyhead that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I`m a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you`re responsible for this."
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
Siri, where are my pants?
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D