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A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
You`d be surprised at how many times I`ve gone home, when i hear someone tell me "Go hard or Go home".
The bottle of Pepto Bismol say’s 4 out of every 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of them enjoys it?
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
Most of my thoughts have been coming from a very dark place lately. That`s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store