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I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
Don`t have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I
I`m only gonna have one beer. At a time. Until all the beer is gone.
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?