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Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA
They told me to never give up. Now they call me a stalker.
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.