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Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
Be good to your nieces and nephews. One day you`ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever