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If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
Yikes. don`t google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. It’s giving payment when payment is due that I seem to struggle with.
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.
Today is that day where anything you read online could be totally made up. Oh, wait, that`s every day.
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.