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If you have to ask if it`s too early to drink wine...You`re an amateur and we can`t be friends.
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
why do wise people never make wisecracks?
My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.
Given the places I`ve had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out a$$.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
“I need to stop,” I whispered as I clicked next episode.
Who ever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard!