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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
20 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will be faced with is finding a screen name which is not already taken!
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
If you ever question yourself, your life choices, your sanity...just watch an episode of Hoarders and you`ll be all good.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.