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Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.