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"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Groundhog Day, Just walked outside and saw my shadow, It`s now official, Six more weeks of dieting :/
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.