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Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
One time I asked some girl what she was thinking. By the time she finished her thought we had 2 children.
The joy of finding out that your boss is going on a holiday is way greater than you yourself going on one
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Ya know once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it´s hard to get it back in.
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "Did he really just say that?"
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting sh!tfaced.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs!
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
I don`t like morning people ... Or mornings ... Or people.