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Sometimes, I use big words I don`t always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of you are using Facebook as a substitution for prescription meds?
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.