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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
So when a couple gets engaged on Facebook for April Fools it`s okay to comment "hahaha" but the rest of the year it`s rude??
I hate those idiots with those bright halogen lights that are blinding, at least they can see my one finger salute.
While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald`s stops serving breakfast.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
With the problems I have, I would have taken my own life a long time ago but i have one question: Do they sell weed in hell?
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
They say money can’t buy happiness… but it can buy bacon, and that is pretty darn close.
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
Adding "and sh!t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.