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I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Facebook: Proving that just because you have an opinion doesn`t mean you should share it.
At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
"Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they`re eating chips on the couch.
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
Applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.