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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
It makes me sad that so many women feel like they have to wear makeup and clothes.
I watched my first silent movie the other day. The kids weren`t there.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
Society: Be yourself. Society: No not like that
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.