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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you´ll have to catch up.
Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
Now that I`ve maxed out my 401k for the year, I`ll get a tattoo, said no one ever.
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, I’m not tired at all.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?