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I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
Delete cookies? Why on Earth would I want to do that?! I LOVE COOKIES
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
My chiropractor just told me that I`m well adjusted. See? Not everyone thinks I`m a total weirdo...
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I might even turn it on, but let’s not rush into things.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.