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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
Happy people don`t take long showers.
WARNING:: going to bed on Sunday will cause Monday.
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
Pretty proud of myself, I got a lot of procrastinating done today
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.