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How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
You can be like "This is a slippery slope" or you can be like "Weeeeeeee!"
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
It`s so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office being on Facebook.
You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
I know u r but what am I ?
You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.
After reading some marriage post, I`m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.