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Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax, We get it you`re unoriginal and watch SOA ... Hold on my daughter Grey`s Anatomy is crying.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
I would like to thank you people for letting me know its Friday every week. Its thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
I embraced my inner child today and the lil` bastard bit me!
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
Hold on I`m about to count my money. Alright I`m done.