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It was love at first sight...I should have looked twice.
Insanity means never having to say “I’m Guilty”.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
I enjoy being the black sheep of the family ... Black sheep are the prettiest & don`t show as much dirt as the white ones.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.