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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
So what the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Their house paint is peeling.
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
The best thing about smartphones is that you don`t have to refold maps anymore.
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.
If you no longer know what day of the week it is, it’s time to get a job.