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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away."
Girls here is an idea.. instead of spending that much money on make up just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
I really want to see you tonight. So could you please leave the blinds up and the curtains open?
I`m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.