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I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now.
Why isn’t “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?
There`s no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
Awww, look. My middle finger likes you!
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.