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A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
Psychology — Even trying to spell it correctly screws with your head.
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
Did you hear about the Cannibal that "passed" his Uncle in the Jungle?...............
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.