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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
I always push when I should pull. I have doorlexia.
So I was thinking... since the kids get the Easter bunny, why shouldn`t I expect a visit from a Playboy bunny today?
If pi is 3.14, then I think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself
Hey baby, wanna come to myspace and twitter my yahoo `till i google all over your facebook?
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.
This is my leftover status from Thanksgiving.