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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
Plan B includes margaritas.
Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
Life is just like a p@nis: Simple, relaxed and hanging freely, It`s the women who make it hard.
Just read a book on quantum evolution. The idea is that quantum mechanics are involved in the process of evolution. I still say go to WalMart and then try to sell me on evolution....
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.