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Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...
Thanks to everyone for the Birthday wishes! To anyone who missed it.”No cake for you!!"
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
I just wanted you all to know that I`m leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I`ve made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I`ll miss all of u, but I`ve decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!
If I agree with you, we would both be wrong.
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you