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I think on December 21 all the power companies should shut off the power for like 10 minutes just to make people flip out.
I was fighting with this gal over who is lazier. I let her win.
If I had a time machine I`d set it to "back in the day", just to see what everyone is talking about.
I`m hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she`s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
This day will end with either wine or shopping. Probably both.