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I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
Don`t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
Today, I am doing my part to conserve energe, I’m going back to bed.
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
I hate when I forget my sunglasses and get caught staring at a woman`s boobs for 20 minutes.
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
Helping my kid study for her geology exam, and apparently `hard` `classic` and `punk` are not the 3 different types of rock.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!