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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
Why can’t they make the whole week out of Saturdays?
Here`s to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
watching porn is like finding happiness in other enjoyment.....
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That`s like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.