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Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
that awkard moment when someone`s laugh is actually funnier than the joke
I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
I will write something profound ... subsoil!
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I`m back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
Find someone who is honest, laughs when you make fun of them, and then give each other orgasms.
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
Objects in spandex are larger than they appear
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.