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If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
It may look like I’m in deep thought, but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth`s equator, most of them would drown.
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.