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You seem to love cocktails... or part of it.
what does bgif mean on a friday night ? ... boobs go in front
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
I bought my mother in-law one of those atomic clocks. I can`t wait for the alarm to go off.
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
is it just me, or did anyone else think that we would be living like the Jetson´s by 2011?
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".