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Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
Headaches are when the voices inside my head get into a fist fight.
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
I’m glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.