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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
With everything going on lately... I`ve got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
thinking men should come with a carfax....
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
Abaaabbbbaaabbbaabbbaabb..... Long time no ` C ` ; P
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.