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Honestly, I have no idea what the f*ck I`ll do with 5 hours of energy.
If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
I totally love and fully respect that you`re a little bit slutty
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
These police take Hide and Seek really seriously.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
If you don`t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn`t get your money`s worth.
Life advice: Enjoy the f*ck out of it. It`s that simple.
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.