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Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
If life Sucks, what makes you think death doesn`t Blow??
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
Nothing like calling off work and watching porn all morning.
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
Does the 5 second rule apply to soup? Please answer quickly!
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
I need more people like me in my life
Thats it! I want to be re-inserted and I don`t want to remember a darn thing!
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
Sometimes I just bang my head on the keyboard and hope words form.
They`re all cop cars when you`re this high.
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)