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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
I’d like to think I’ve taught Citibank a valuable lesson about handing out credit cards all willy-nilly.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman`s voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it`s working.
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn`t even apply for the job.
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
You`re one of a kind! Thank goodness...