Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
once a homeless guy said to me `Hey you got a dollar` and I said `wow your absolutely right..with psychic powers like that I`m surprised your still homeless` got in my car and left..
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I`m very disappointed with all of you.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over