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Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
I love Halloween because it`s the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it´s still on the list.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!