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I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
I get very nervous out when my Subway sandwich moves up the crowded assembly line without me.
Everyday I run into someone who pushes me past the limits of my medication.
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance