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The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
No, I didn`t say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
Deep down I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
Like if you really googled to see if that kid really died from masturbating
I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
Im switching some friends from my Facebook account to my Fakebook account.
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!