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Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
Don`t hate me because I think I`m beautiful.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
The iPad Air is named after what`s left in your bank account when you buy one.
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME stuff why didn’t he just buy dinner?
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
As i get older i realize I do a LOT more YOGA...attempting to tie my shoelaces
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.