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Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.
Are you one of those people that get hurt from things posted on Facebook? You can easily avoid that by keeping your a$$ off of Facebook.
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
You know what’s worse than slow internet? NOTHING.
I want to be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
It`s so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.