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I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
Two Best Advices For Safe Life : 1. Always Speak The Truth, No Matter How Bitter Harsh It Is ... 2. Run Immediately After Saying It..
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
Just stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breathe of fresh air, sipped a Dew. What a perfect morning, what could go wrong? Crap I forgot 2 put pants on!
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
I`d like to help you out ... Which way did you come in?
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Ever wish the choice you made and the “right thing to do” were the same thing?
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.