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More often than not, the excitement of a Facebook friend request dies upon discovering who it is.
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
Use a mirror and you will find, PI.E = 3.14
The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I`m thinking taco cart...
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
NASA has confirmed that December 21, late afternoon, the sky will be very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"