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The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
How do I like my eggs? ... Umm in a cake.
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
There`s both a McDonald`s and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
I`m just a boy...standing in front of a girl...asking her to lov.....aw who am I trying to fool. I just want in your pants.
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
I`m done with tucking in shirts. Too many people complaining I`m invading their "personal space." LOL
I am going to open "The Karma Cafe" There will be no menus though. You will get what you deserve!
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