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If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Stop saying I`m hard to shop for. Surely you know where the liquor store is
There`s no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it`s burritos oand salsa
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.