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Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
I couldn`t find the word `Disappear` in the dictionary. Strange!
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
Note to self: Next time, don`t use "continue" as the Safe Word.
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
Today is the 1st anniversary of the end of the world. Can you believe it`s been a year since the world ended? Time sure flies when it`s the apocalypse.
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
AT this stage in my life an ALL NIGHTER JUST means I didn`t have to get up and pee....
Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone