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I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Who needs the weather network when you have Facebook.
There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.
How do nudist clean their glasses?
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.
Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...