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Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
Repeat after me: It doesn’t matter how big the problem is, posting it on Facebook won’t solve it.
I took up the game of Golf recently. . .but I had too much trouble getting through that windmill.
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry