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I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
All I heard was, " I swear it`ll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
You tell me I`m crazy, the voices tell me I`m not. 4 against 1, so........
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
It`s only a 4 way stop if each driver can read
How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card??
Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
"Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid."
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.