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I`ll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I`m thinking to myself..."Umm...isn`t that what real life is for?"
While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald’s stops serving breakfast.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
"Dora" only rhymes with "Explorer" if you`re from Long Island, New York
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
Facebook keeps telling me people are following me. But, every time I look behide me there`s nobody there? Why does facebook keep lying to me?
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.