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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Creating a password in this day and age After the 9th try OKNowI`mReallyMad50BoiledCabbagesUpYourArseIfYouDon`tGiveMeAccessImmediately! `Sorry, that password is already in use`
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
i didn`t know i had a facebook account until now
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.
I am not lazy, I`m on power saving mode