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Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
i wish i could sleep ... but my damn A.D.D. kicks in and basically 1 sheep, 2 sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol McDonald had a farm, HEEEY Macerena.
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
When women say β€œIt’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.