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Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
i wish i could sleep ... but my damn A.D.D. kicks in and basically 1 sheep, 2 sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol McDonald had a farm, HEEEY Macerena.
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.