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I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
I don`t mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.
I was being taught to use some machinery today, and I was quizzed as to the rules of it`s use. When asked what the first rule is I responded, "You do not talk about Fight Club."
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"
Kinda funny how the Mayans said we were all gonna die in 2012, but they all disappeared way before us.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.