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When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone
I was being taught to use some machinery today, and I was quizzed as to the rules of it`s use. When asked what the first rule is I responded, "You do not talk about Fight Club."
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
Don`t forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.
I try not to limit my madness to March.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon