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If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
Most people don`t think I`m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
All`s not lost my Friends. It won`t be long til people realize Selfie Sticks also make wonderful lightning rods......
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
I`d probably get a lot more done if it wasn`t for me.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
Forgotten pocket money is the best!
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here