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Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
"Lazy" is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
thinks my life is becoming a very complicated drinking game.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
Take me seriously at your own risk.
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
She lost me at, "I don`t watch football."
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.